I think, if there's a part of film making I really hate, it's that I have to compete with other film makers in festivals and contests. I'm a collaborative sort of person...but also fiercely competitive if I put myself in those situations.
Really though, the challenge is, when faced with defeat after defeat after defeat, is not to doubt the creative compass that I've got. I've never won a video contest or taken festival awards (I know, I'm 22... still got time), but in a world where technology is making everything so much more accessible... getting noticed is incredibly difficult, and there are more talented people - or at least people with more resources than me - able to put out some really good stuff.
Not, before I get sounding like I'm griping too much, I'm more saying, I just don't like dealing with the competitive side of things - as generally it seems judges and I don't get along. Film critics and I don't get along.
Not actually sure if I'm trying to say anything or make a point in this post, mostly just processing the frustration of within a week getting shut out of several Tongal.com idea phase contests and ICFF awards. And I process by writing. And I figure, why not give people an insight into what goes on in a crazy artist's head?
Part of me wonders if I've got it in me to be a filmmaker, because taking criticism (especially unspoken implied criticism) is a challenge - because I don't understand from an objective perspective what my films failed at. Was it just that I can't afford a crane and slider and someone else can, or I couldn't shoot 4K RAW and so my film wasn't as "cinematic", or was the cut not tight enough for an attention deprived generation? (I won't bring up acting, because pretty objectively I can say in all the entries I've watched in the festivals I've been a part of, my actors stand out as some of the best.) It's frustrating to not know what's turning people off my films. What am I missing? And can I even fix it in future projects?
I read in a handy dandy little book called something like "What they don't teach you at Film School" that the hardest part about being a director is you have to believe in your story on an incredible level - be passionate about it - and put that out there for people to see. You've got to be vulnerable and say "I care about this story - and I don't apologize for it". And that that's why a lot of people don't make it as, or realize that they in fact don't want to direct.
But the reality is I DO want to direct. I HAVE stories I'm passionate about, and I seem to at least be something enough to intrigue actors enough to deal with my lack of crew, pay, and high quality gear that they want to work with me and bring these stories to life.And hopefully, despite consistent shutdowns from any paying or awards sources they'll continue to see that - and a crew and equipment will follow, and we can make something that pays off for us.
I know one of my deepest frustrations as a film maker, is to not be able to pay actors in particular. They work incredibly hard on the projects I have - because I come up with demanding characters for them to get into. And not being able to make any money at film work essentially means I'm stuck not paying them right now - or not doing any film work period.
Anyway, I've totally degenerated off topic. If you've read this whole thing through, I'm impressed. If you've made sense out of it, I'm even more impressed.
Anyway, have a good night and a good Sunday tomorrow folks!
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